


we just called it thunder

by doujinbag



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Comfort, Depression, Drabble, Implied/Referenced Suicide attempt, Light Angst, M/M, Minor Character Death, Self-Harm, Smoking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-02
Updated: 2015-02-02
Packaged: 2018-03-10 02:45:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,104
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3273839
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/doujinbag/pseuds/doujinbag
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"When I was younger, we always said thunder was just God bowling up in Heaven," Eren says.<br/>"That's funny," Levi replies. "We just called it thunder."</p>
            </blockquote>





	we just called it thunder

**Author's Note:**

> aayyyy sadness yay
> 
> tw for depression and implied suicide and self harm mentions.

Eren is seven when he first meets Levi, the fifteen year old who’s there to babysit him for the night while his parents are out. Levi’s quiet and doesn’t say much to him, aside from little reminders of “don’t make a mess” or murmurs of “what a brat”. Eren sighs and eventually gives up on trying to get attention from the older boy, eventually settling down and playing with his action figures in the corner. He doesn’t talk to many teenagers, so it’s strange to see one sitting in a ball on his couch, staring at the blank TV with no expression on his face. He always imagined teenagers to be loud and scary or constantly on their phones. But it seems Levi doesn’t need words to be scary and he doesn’t need a phone in his hands in order to ignore Eren. Eren isn’t sure whether or not he’d prefer it the other way.

He notices how Levi seems to keep his arms to himself. Eren wonders if he’s cold. “Levi?” he says quietly. Levi sighs and looks up at the small boy, making a noise of acknowledgement. “Do you want a tattoo?”

“I have a tattoo,” Levi says shortly. It’s the longest sentence he’s said in the whole hour and a half he’s been there.

“Well… do you want another? It’s a racecar. It won’t last, don’t worry.”

Levi almost says _no,_ but those green eyes beckon him otherwise. “Fine,” he says. “Where do you want to put it?”

“Your forehead.”

“No.”

“What about… your arm?”

Levi swallows a lump in his throat, shaking his head. “Probably not a good idea.”

“Why not?”

“Because my arms are ugly.” He’s wording it the lightest way he can.

Eren doesn’t like his answer, so he grabs his stick-on racecar tattoo and trots on over to Levi, plopping next to him on the couch. “Please?”

“I really don’t think so.”

“I bet they’re not ugly.”

Levi sighs and glances up at the ceiling before holding his arm out to the seven year old before him. “Be careful,” he says. Eren isn’t sure why he needs to be careful (they’re just arms, right?), but he is as delicate as a seven year old can be as he pushes Levi’s sleeve back.

“What’s all… _that?”_ Eren asks. He pokes at a particularly deep scar in the middle of Levi’s arm, making Levi hiss in pain a bit.

“Nothing. It’s the reason my arms are ugly.”

“They look like when I fell off my bike and scratched my legs everywhere. Did you fall off your bike and scratch your arms?”

“Sort of.” Levi goes with that and decides not to add anything more. Eren’s only seven, he doesn’t want to be the one to have to take away his innocence. Eren shouldn’t have to know what the C-word is, and he doesn’t mean “cunt”. (Not that Eren should be hearing those kinds of words either, but it’d probably be better anyway.)

“I don’t think your arms are ugly,” Eren finally says affirmatively. “I’m sorry you scratched your arms. They look very hurt.” He kisses Levi’s arms and Levi can’t help but admire Eren’s sweet innocence. “This racecar will make it better.” He sticks the tattoo right over Levi’s deep scar, being careful not to hurt him.

Eren’s starting to like Levi, and Levi’s beginning to think that maybe Eren isn’t such a brat after all.

 

 

Eren is almost nine when Levi suddenly isn’t his babysitter anymore. His parents introduce him to Petra, a sweet junior in high school who lives two houses down from them and is more than willing to play with Eren or help him with his homework. It’s not that he doesn’t like Petra. He just misses Levi.

One night after his parents get home and Petra leaves, Eren finally decides to ask his mother the question that’s been bugging him for the past two weeks.

“Where’s Levi?”

Carla looks at her son with sadness wearing in her dark eyes, shaking her head. “I told you, he’s not going to be your babysitter anymore.”

“But where _is_ he?” Eren sits up in his bed and hugs the blanket tightly to his chest. “I- I never even said goodbye to him before he stopped coming over.”

“I know, sweetie. I’m sorry. Sometimes things like this happen–”

“But what _happened?”_

Carla sighs. She doesn’t want to have to tell him, she doesn’t want her son hearing this kind of news at such a young age. She does her best to word it lightly. “He’s at the hospital right now. He will be for a while.”

“Hospital? Like where Dad works?”

“Exactly,” Carla nods.

“What happened? Is he okay?”

“He’s okay, honey.” Carla looks down at her hands, which are becoming frail far too soon for her age. “He’ll be out of the hospital by next week. Maybe then you can see him again.”

“Will he be my babysitter again?”

Carla hesitates before shaking her head _no._ “I’m sorry, baby. It’s for the best.”

Eren cries himself to sleep that night, long after his parents have already gone to bed.

 

 

Eren is ten when his mother dies.

He knew it was going to happen, he knew all along. But there are certain things ten year old eyes should never see and your own mother dying with her hand in yours is one of them. Eren can still feel the coldness of her fingers wrapping around his much warmer ones. He doesn’t want his mom to be dead, but she is.

He’s never been sad without crying before, but now he understands. Because this, what he’s feeling, it’s beyond sadness. It’s absolute _emptiness,_ like he can’t even breathe because there isn’t any air left to fill his lungs.

Maybe he wants to die too, he almost thinks.

He’s surprised to see Levi when he comes to the funeral. Levi’s a senior in high school now, he’s going to be graduating in May. After that, Eren doesn’t know what happens. Maybe he’ll move away for college or, hopefully, he’ll just stick around a little longer. Eren doesn’t admit that last part out loud.

Levi stands at the very back of the church with a black sweatshirt on, his hands in his pockets. Eren makes sure nobody is paying attention to him before he runs back to the teen, looking up at him with tear-filled eyes. “You came,” he whispers, and that’s all it takes before suddenly, he’s sobbing and all Levi can do is hold him close.

“Shh, shh, shh…” Levi soothes, running his hands over Eren’s back. “It’s okay. You’re okay, everything is perfectly fine.” Levi hates lying to the kid.

Levi never lets Eren see his arms again, but then again, Eren never asks. “I m-miss… I miss–”

“I know,” Levi says. “I know, you’re going to miss her for a long while.”

“N-no,” Eren says, looking up at Levi. “I miss _you.”_

Levi isn’t sure how to respond to that, so he doesn’t. He simply spends the rest of the funeral hugging the boy and trying to get him to stop crying.

 

 

Eren is fifteen when Levi comes home from his time away from their small town of Shiganshina. “I missed you, you brat,” Levi says, and Eren isn’t sure why he’s hugging him so tightly, but he doesn’t complain. In fact, it’s really rather nice.

Eren’s father doesn’t talk to him much anymore. When he’s not working overtime at the hospital, he’s out drinking alone at the bar or stays down in their basement, working on god-knows-what. Eren just stays out of his path. He doesn’t really give two shits about his dad anymore, anyways. He was only ever very close with his mother.

They’re both in Eren’s room when Levi first yells at him. It’s different than when Eren was a little kid and Levi would scold him for spilling applesauce on the carpet or for nearly breaking the TV by playing baseball inside. This is real anger and probably the most emotion Eren has ever seen Levi dish out.

Levi holds a silver blade between his fingers as he stands before Eren, absolutely enraged after finding it wedged in the bottom of Eren’s dresser drawer. “What the _fuck_ is this?” he demands.

“Levi, please, I don’t want to talk about it–”

“No, you fucking answer me. Eren, lift up your sleeves.”

“No!”

Levi sets the piece of metal down and takes Eren’s arm into his hands. He rolls back his sleeves for him, only to find a battlefield of long red marks traveling all the way down to each of Eren’s elbows.

“Why?” Levi whispers. “Why would you do this to yourself? You weren’t– you were never supposed to know what this is.”

“What the hell are you talking about? I’m fifteen, I don’t live under a rock. I know what cutting is. Obviously.”

“You were never supposed to experience it firsthand, you idiot,” Levi says. “You know why? Because I’ve been there! Remember every time I babysat you, when you’d cover my arms with temporary tattoos and bandages and stickers?”

“Levi–”

“You weren’t supposed to find out.” Levi has tears in his eyes, _real tears,_ and he hugs Eren even tighter than the first time he did. “Don’t cut ever again. Don’t do it.”

“I won’t.”

“Fucking promise me, Eren.”

“I promise.” Eren looks at Levi and he knows he has to keep it.

 

 

Eren’s seventeen now, Levi’s twenty-five. They spend more time together than they probably should, but neither of them want to point it out. Levi always picks Eren up from school in his car, where normally they just sit and talk, or sit and smoke, or talk and smoke at the same time. Eren hasn’t cut once ever since the day Levi told him not to, but it’s one rainy Friday afternoon that he realizes he hasn’t seen Levi’s bare arms in almost ten years.

“Levi,” he says quietly as buckets of rain spill over the windshield, a cigarette between his fingers, “can I see your arms?”

“Why?”

Eren glares at Levi. “Just let me see them.”

Levi sighs with a puff of smoke and holds out his arms to Eren. Eren slowly peels back his sleeves and is relieved to find that all of Levi’s old scars have faded as much as they’re able to. However, what _shocks_ him is seeing that a racecar is finely printed on Levi’s arm, right where his deepest scar used to be.

“That looks like…” Eren stops himself, because he knows he doesn’t even need to say it.

“I got it tattooed in senior year,” Levi admits. “Right before your mom died, actually.”

Eren stares at the little red car in awe. “I can’t believe you literally got it tattooed,” he says. “I just…” He trails off, his eyes flicking up to meet Levi’s. “…can’t believe it…”

Before either of them can process anything, they’re kissing. They both manage to put their cigarettes out in the ashtray between their seats so they don’t burn each other as their lips move together, fingers intertwining and Eren’s breathing picking up pace. He’s dreamed for _years_ about kissing Levi, and now the moment is finally here, and Eren _just can’t believe it._

“I love you,” Eren breathes, and he immediately winces. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to say that.”

Levi just shuts him up with another kiss. “You’re a brat,” he says. “Because _I love you, too.”_

They kiss for a long while before finally pulling away, watching the rain together. It doesn’t show any sign of letting up, and Eren jumps a little when he hears a loud boom of thunder.

“Scared of storms _still?”_ Levi says. “I remember when I used to have to hug you until you’d fall asleep every time it stormed.”

Eren frowns, sticking out his tongue. “I can’t help it.” He sighs after that before saying, “When I was younger, we always said thunder was just God bowling up in Heaven.”

"That's funny," Levi replies. "We just called it thunder."

Eren finds it strange how with those five words, he suddenly understands more about Levi than he ever could with a deep, lengthy conversation. “You didn’t have a good childhood, did you, Levi?” he asks quietly.

“Nah,” Levi shrugs. “But it’s fine. You didn’t either, and you turned out all right.”

“I’m still technically a kid until March.”

“Gross, don’t remind me. You make me feel like a creeper.” He laughs, which makes Eren laugh, and soon they’re both crying, but for once, it’s not from being sad at all.

**Author's Note:**

> [tumblr](http://spookymileskane.tumblr.com) / [instagram](http://instagr.am/and.a.smile)


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